Panic

"Writing, when properly managed, is but a different name for conversation."    -Laurence Sterne, novelist

First things first...

You panic when things do not go your way. You are hit; when you can't make a move. Sometimes, it's hard to hold on to the composure, you think you have. It, somehow, happened I can't decide how the events gonna turn until dawn. 

It's hard to be practical, enduring pain and it's quite illogical to get tensed on things you can't control. Oxymoronic, huh! It's way too easy to cry. It's hard to not show your feelings. Why do I want a miracle when I donot not believe in Him? Am I crazy?

What Happened?

It's time I got to be quiet, calm and hold my poise. I could not afford losing her. It's already six hours since she disappeared. She should be picking up my mom from the station at 0200 hrs. Where did she go? I remember texting last night to remind her to start early. Then I crawled under the sheets. It's 0800 hrs. now and my sister did not come to the station.

As she said, she would have started in a cab, to the railway station, at 0100 hours. Where is she now? I cursed myself for choosing such a bad timing, that my mom reached at 0200 hrs. I could not sleep any longer. Morning coffee seemed bland for the first time ever. I got myself together and began weighing my options. My mom visited me and started to my sister's place previous evening. She wanted to get back to my dad's in two days.

God Damn! I stared at my mobile phone. The auto redial has been ringing my sister's number for half an hour. Why doesn't anyone pick it up?

Did she take the cab? Did she make it to the station? Why the hell is the mobile left unanswered? I hoped something would happen and I would receive a call from my mom that everything is alright. I kneeled in front of God to ask him to protect her. Suddenly, a flash of thoughts reeled at back of my mind....

What’s My Problem?

I am not a kind of guy who rush to temple as soon as exam season begins. I do not go to God asking him to get me a promotion in exchange for tonsure. But I do remember Him every day when I climb the terrace to look at the life around me. That’s my way of paying tribute to Him.

You know what my problem is! I am sick of being nice. I don’t believe in Him. I have got some ego issues with the creator (Yeah! You read it right.. I, truly, meant E-G-O). There seems to be times in my childhood when I used to pray to Him every morning. Now, call it my age or my thoughts, I am sick of people worshipping him so blindly.

My foot! I hate when someone opens his list of wishes in front of Him. It’s not the man I am worried of. He is foolish since his birth. The main problem is with the belief. I don’t believe in your so-called feeling of hope. You call it Luck and I call it Yuck. In fact, I am not trying to be wise or showcase my intellectual skills.

Because I gotta state this problem, I will state it this way. Everything is relative. He is neither a savior nor a saboteur. I prefer living close to reality. Look at the mockery around the world. One badass pours lakhs of rupees in the 'hundi' of Lord Venkateswara and feels happy that all his sins are cleansed. Another exotic example. People go to Ganges to take a dip and cleanse all the sins they made. (Oh! Such an easy way to escape). People want to change their fate by poojas and other rituals. Note that I am not calling the rituals stupid. I am calling the 'man' stupid.

Oh, Yes! I am a Prick..

If your life is in trouble, it should be saved by you and never by God. Don’t fool around thinking that someone else comes to pull you out of trouble. Never believe in God. (Confessions of cynicist and agnostic). Even the Luck factor is relative. Let me give you an example. Let's say you got a job in Infosys (India's one of top five consultancies) in the period of recession, how do you feel? Happy, of course. In fact, I would throw a treat as well. The point is, it does not mean God helped you in recession. Let me extend the example. You got a friend who is as talented as you. He is not placed in Infosys. What if he got into Google? Is he unlucky? Or what if he gets a better salary package?  This is what I mean when I say “Everything is relative”.

I don’t mean to dishonor God. But I meant to leave him alone. I don’t want to be an escapist—attributing everything to him, be it success or failure. He can never help. One thing..

You always have the chance to change the course of events

(Sometimes, even after losing the game). The only thing man needs is will to believe in self. I am such a guy.

I respect His creation. I revere Him for his remarkable creations— life and brain. He is impeccable. That’s it! Get inspired from Him; not depend on Him.

So, now when my sister disappeared, I asked Him to protect her. I am pretty sure, he can’t help. I just seemed to be illogical. (Don’t bring up this shit in order to convince people. They already took enough from God. They can never agree upon this.)

This is how it all ended..

My mobile began ringing and I was surprised to see the number. It's from my sister's mobile. I took the call and kept it close to my ear. She was laughing saying that she and my mom were playing a prank at me. I was relieved at that moment. Thank God for the news. She is alright. Damn, I am happy.

I was nearly collapsing. I cut the phone, called my dad and said that she reached the house and hung up. From then, for two weeks, I ignored calls from my mom and sister. I felt that it is the best way I can get the heat off me. I hated the fact though. That they, indeliberately, proved that I would go to God when I feel that they are suffering.

Epilogue

My panic is not about her safety or God. This is all about being me. Does my stance change after this? No. Do you think I ‘m pretending all the way that I don’t believe in Him?

In fact, don’t conclude that I just went to God and then kept silent hoping that He would help. I started off to my sister’s place in my car which is 300 miles away from where I live. I got the call from her when I was halfway. I turned back to my place. I did my efforts to contact the nearby police station to find out anything about missing persons. This is what I meant when I said weighing options. I drove to the nearby store on the highway and bought a pack of Marlboro, smoking again after four years with an arrogant smile on my face.